I came home tonight determined to write something. It’s been ages since I posted in this blog and it took me a long time to figure out what’s been going on with me. Quite simply, I’ve been depressed. Sure, I’ve been going to work, playing with my grandson, reading some books, but underlying this has been depression. The reason….the election. For the first few months, I didn’t know that it showed, didn’t even really know I was feeling it. But when I got my review at work, I was asked if everything was OK and while I was saying yes, it dawned on me…no. I was not OK. I was scared. Scared about the future that I have left. If I were still married, perhaps it wouldn’t have hit so hard, but since I’m not, it’s all up to me and while I certainly have made progress and am doing OK, there aren’t enough years left to plan for a single retirement. So, yes, I’m scared. And the root of my fear is who won the election. Not that he’s a Republican but because I have zero respect or trust for the guy. (gag) So every day I’m wondering if I’ll ever really be able to retire, have decent health insurance, enough money to be comfortable, to eat healthy, and to finally get to do something for me. I don’t know if you know but Cumberland County is either the first or second poorest county in the state so my earnings have been good for these standards, but not great by others. And I of course stayed here because my husband wanted to. And once my grandson arrived… well, you know. So the result of this depression and worry is that creativity got wiped out. I couldn’t think what to write, couldn’t sit down to write, didn’t feel like writing, but at the same time was yearning to write. No crafts, no knitting or sewing, not much reading, just work and playing with my grandson when he was here. He could lift my spirits but at the same time I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. (By the way, I didn’t want to turn this into a political discourse so I kept my comments to a minimum but rest assured, I could go deep on the topic. But maybe another time.) Also, physically I can’t do the things I used to do so that just added to the depression. But today….today…I said enough. I need to get off my ass and do something that I feel good about. So I may be rusty but I’m typing.
And eating. I’m balancing a bowl of homemade soup while I type, just some orzo, fresh broccoli, spinach, and broth, but I haven’t had pasta for ages and tonight’s the night!
So what do I write about? Originally, I started this blog as a way to help me to get over the divorce, which it did, and that was its purpose. Fulfilled. But I can’t spend forever writing about starting over because I did, and I am. Other than the aforementioned issue, I’m OK. It would be like beating a dead horse to keep writing about starting over so I need a new topic. While I’m giving this some thought, I do want to mention the class reunion. (50th)
It was my first reunion and I can honestly say I didn’t want to leave. I’m not real great on my feet in crowds so I wish I could have gotten around more but I enjoyed every minute of it. Carole and Jerry took me under their wing and made sure I was OK, and it was so great to be able to talk to everyone and see how we’ve changed, and how some haven’t changed. I had some special conversations, good food, and loved the location. I haven’t been “home” since the 70’s and as I got into Summit, I barely recognized it, except for one little area. (I remember the first time I drove Dad’s 67 Plymouth Belvedere to Summit and had to park that boat in the lot behind the stores. I spent ages trying to ease into a space, sweating, scared I’d hit someone, and got so stressed that finally I left.) I didn’t do much driving around NP once I left for college and rarely got back home, and then my parents moved to the shore. So this trip, every time I saw a landmark that I recognized, it was so exciting. Driving down Springfield Ave., I at first didn’t see much I recognized, but then I came to Livingston Ave.(I think) and Gale Drive and knew where I was. I’m going to admit that I cried. And am now. We were so blessed to grow up there. I of course missed the turn into the apartments and had to go downtown to turn around, and everything was so different from my last visit over 30 years ago.. I found my way to my home and the yard looked so small and the trees so huge! It felt so good to be there. Ricky A. lived down one end and Dale S. lived up the other, with my house halfway. Safe, innocent, a good life back then. After looking like a stalker taking pictures, I moved on and ended up out by OLP and managed to find my way to Blue Star (used to go parking at Seeley’s Pond) and out onto Rt. 22. My journey ended in Union at my sister’s house and I was quite pleased with myself for finding my way without the GPS. I want to thank Fran and Linda for putting that all together. It gave me something I didn’t know I was missing and I’d love to take my son there and show him where I grew up.Where I live now is nothing like that though it does have pockets that are somewhat similar. I’m hopeful that we do get to do it again in Florida and that we all are healthy enough to go. And that if you couldn’t attend the NP event maybe you can make it to Florida.
I guess the reunion ended up being my topic for this post. It’s been so long since I posted I hope that I can remember how to get into the blog. I guess if you’re reading this I figured it out! I’m thinking about future topics so if you have any ideas, please send them to me. It might just be “life goes on” unless some inspiration hits.
Until next time….it feels good to be back.