Who Will You Choose?

Standard

This isn’t the blog post that I had intended to write but I feel compelled to write this after reading several posts on Facebook this morning.

Every one of us has a different reality.  When I left high school, head filled with dreams for the future, I didn’t envision the life I ended up with.  Some of my choices were spot-on, some could have used improvement, and some should have been discarded before I acted on them.  But, it is what it is, was what it was, and here I am now with my life.  It’s not a bad life but definitely could be better.

Here’s my reality now.  I’m almost 67 years old and due to several circumstances, had to start over with life at about age 60.  No great detail needed and if you’ve been reading my blog posts you have somewhat of a picture of what I’ve been through.  But, for those of you who haven’t, briefly, I was downsized out of a job I loved, managed to find another one almost as good, lost that one due to health related issues, had my right hip replaced twice, dislocated it, found out my husband wanted a separation from our 30-year marriage, used up 2 years of unemployment and could only find a part time job paying 8.75 an hour when it ended, divorced, almost lost my house, lost my Medicare, and used up all of my savings.  Fast forward to now, and I’m working full time, saved my house, have gotten back on my feet, well, sort of, got my Medicare back, and finally can take a breath.

So by now you’re probably wondering what this post is really about.  It’s about the election that is coming in November and why people choose whom they support for President.  We make our choices based on our reality, our life experiences, our needs, and choose the person whom we think will answer the needs that we have for our future.  In my case, I’m a woman alone, no financial cushion, no safety net, and I have no choice but to work until I can collect the maximum Social Security.  And will continue to work beyond that as long as I can.  I will hopefully make it to 70 but my arthritis is progressing and I have knee surgery in my future.  It’s getting harder to walk and sitting all day at work is worsening my knees.  I want to retire now but can’t.  And maybe never will.  I have pain, don’t sleep well because of arthritis, fight sleep during my hour drive to work and my hour drive home, and feel drained when I get to work and drained when I get home.  I loved my husband and never expected to be alone at this age; our retirement plan was for two and we would have been fine financially.  Well……. Surprise!

So, my needs might be very different from yours.  I am looking towards a future that includes Social Security, hopefully increased and expanded.  I need affordable health care which for me, Medicare plus another plan is not, and I need to know that I won’t end up living in a homeless shelter or a motel when I’m older.  So the person I choose to support is based on these needs and the needs of my family.  I need a president who is not dividing our country with racism because I have a Biracial son and grandson.  I need a president who understands how many Americans are in desperate need of Social Security and health care that works for us all.  I need a president who understands that we are a diverse nation because my family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances are White, Black, Brown, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, old, young, fat, thin, here legally and illegally, intelligent, good jobs, crappy jobs, hard-working, doing their best….People.  I need a president who will unify us, help those in need, make things fair for all, and who cares about WE THE PEOPLE. And I need a president who will not get us involved in constant war so my grandson will be safe.  We already are great.  Sure, we could be better. We should all be life-long learners, helping our fellow man, doing good for others, sharing our knowledge, not judging, living in harmony with others, sharing bathrooms, etc.  This part definitely needs improvement, especially lately.

So my friends, when you disparage someone for their choice for president, keep in mind that you don’t know their reality, their needs, their past, their present, or their future.  And you don’t know who they feel safest about choosing, the one they feel understands their needs for their life.  Our choice for president is a very personal one.  I get that you may not like my choice but if you care about me at all, you owe respect for my choice as I owe for yours, even if I think you’re crazy for choosing that person!  And if you don’t care about me, that’s OK but hopefully you still can respect my choice as I will respect yours.

So, I’m off my soap box and need a cup of tea.  I’ve been up since 5:00 and need that shot of caffeine right about now!  Have a good day and remember to be kind!  And when November comes, VOTE!

My Roanoke, Va. Adventure

Standard

 

VA 6

The view!

Recently, I had an opportunity to travel to Virginia for a few days, traveling with my sister and new brother-in-law. My brother lives in Roanoke, Va. so it’s a long ride through some beautiful country.

The ride down was uneventful other than a few GPS induced side trips and I got to relax in the back seat with my pillow and some books, and had a brief nap. As we got closer, the mountains got higher and the grass greener, our trip taking us past battlefields of long ago, stone houses that have withstood the test of time, and many farms.  Roanoke looks huge to this south Jersey girl, a bustling city surrounded by mountains.  It has a unique downtown filled with quaint shops, historical buildings, museums, and modern facilities of all types. We arrived late Thursday, had a great Italian dinner cooked by my brother, and then early to bed.  Friday, the “girls” went to lunch at the Second Helping Café, sponsored by the Rescue Mission.  They had a diverse menu, very tasty, and great desserts.  We were joined by my sister-in-law’s sister and their mother, a true “southern belle”.  It was so nice to see them again and I consider them family as well. We ate, wandered through the attached gallery and thrift store and then, after parting, went on a car tour of Roanoke.  So many southern homes are built with red brick, some so gorgeous and interesting that I would love to own them all!  We continued on until we ended up at Black Dog Salvage, the site of the popular TV show, “Salvage Dogs”.  If you love old doors and windows, vintage anything, iron work, and repurposed-from-junk furniture, this is the place for you!  OMG!! I could have spent days there.  What beautiful stained glass! And the furniture! Such wonderful creations like a claw foot bathtub love seat, tables made from beautiful old doors, farm equipment turned into lamps….I could go on and on but you get the idea.  It’s definitely worth the trip.  They have a website and FB page if you’re interested.

VA 1

VA 5

So day 2 arrives and we are off to Rockbridge Winery in Raphine, VA, for wine tasting and a picnic, though it’s pretty chilly! My niece will be meeting us there and it’s a beautiful sunny day for this excursion.  We’re piling into the car now so I’ll get back to you later……

VA 2

Its several hours later and we’re pigging out on Chinese food. We had a wonderful day starting at the winery with the tasting and then our picnic. My niece met us there and she and I were in perfect agreement on what tasted good!  We picnicked inside, delicious, and then it was off to Wades Mill where they grind their own flour, which of course we all purchased.  Next stop was Orchard Side Yarn Shop which had some beautiful fibers.  The setting was perfect, alongside a quick-moving stream, blue skies, fields of the brightest green, hills, flowers.  So peaceful.  Violets were blooming, willow branches were waving in the breeze…..ahh.  Serenity.

VA 3

Of course, we all hated to get back to reality but Sunday morning, bright and early, we piled into the car and started home. Again in the back seat, I had my camera out as long as there were mountains to view.  We came home through the Shenandoah Valley, just beautiful.  Looking down into the valley was awe-inspiring and you can just tell that a supreme being had to have created this land.  My pictures just don’t do it justice; you have to see for yourself.

VA 4

The trip totally refreshed me. I slept well, ate good, and got a lot of exercise, something a person with a desk job desperately needs.  It was good for my mental health, most of all.  Getting away from work even for a short time does wonders for me.  And, as I get older I appreciate things in a different way.  My family has grown smaller with the loss of my parents, aunts and uncles, and grandparents.  There aren’t many of us left but now our future is in our children, and their children.  It was so good to see my brother, sis-in-law, and niece.  And to spend time with my sister and new brother-in-law, who drove us down and stopped at the bathroom as many times as we needed!  And drove good enough that I could close my eyes for a nap!  LOL.  So thank you to my family!

I’ll close with love to my family. Already looking forward to Christmas when we can all get together again.

Much love, Your Sister,

Shelley

 

The Men in My Life

Standard

us 3It’s been a little while since I’ve written so I thought I would tell you about the men in my life.  Comfy?  Ok.  Me too, cuddled up in my afghan and with a steaming cup of tea.

When my husband and I separated, I was around age 60 and one of the things I thought about was would I ever find love again? I felt old, used up, unattractive, and just lost without my partner.  Of course, since then I’ve realized he wasn’t really the partner I thought he was, and while we had many good and loving moments, raised a son together, and have gone through a lot as a couple, growing old together wouldn’t have been how I envisioned it because we weren’t best friends.

So fast forward to now. No men in my life expect two-my son and my grandson.  My son and I don’t see a lot of each other.  We’re both busy with our own thing but as I’ve written before, he was my rock throughout the separation and divorce and sharing the house with him gives us each our own space and just enough together time that we don’t drive each other crazy.  It’s nice to have someone to talk to, someone to bounce ideas off of, and his presence makes the house “alive.”

And then there’s my grandson. He’s a beautiful boy, bright, active, a handful at times, but a good boy.  He’s 3 ½ and his teacher says that he knows all the sounds of letters and could be reading soon.  (Can you say proud grandma?)  We read all the time but his favorite thing is for me to make up stories.  He climbs up on the couch next to MeMa’s seat, cuddles up, and tells me what the story should be about.  When I first started doing this, I would try to get him to chime in but he wouldn’t.  But now he’s director and script writer and if I say the wrong thing I hear “MeMa, I’m very angry.  You aren’t listening.”  Most of the stories feature whatever toys he’s interested in such as his bison but now he’s interested in Super heroes as well.  This boy loves stories and can sit through a dozen if I have enough brain power to think of that many!  I love him beyond my imaginings.  Having a grandchild is such a different experience than being a parent.  And he and I have a special bond.  I try to keep my common sense in the forefront but all it takes is “MeMa, I’m so excited to see you.  I missed you”, and I melt.

me n adio

So these two are my “men.” And I’m very happy with the trade.  I never realized how much “work” my husband was.  It’s so nice to not have to cook if I don’t want to, do laundry whenever I feel like it, grocery shop only once in a while…my time is my own.  I can eat in bed, stay up all night, or go to bed at 8.  If I snore, no problem.  If I want the fan on, no problem, blankets off, blankets on, etc.  You get the idea. (I’m sleeping better too)  I did so many things for him, out of love and a desire to be a good wife, that I stifled “me”.  So along with sleeping better, going wherever I want, whenever I want to, my mind is freer and I feel more creative.

Please understand that I put myself in that type of wife “box” but of course, he liked it and didn’t protest. And because of that, I started becoming resentful and allowed myself to be taken for granted, something that I was only able to realize after the separation.  It actually brought me to quite a few realizations that had I done that soul searching sooner, I might have asked him to leave years ago or maybe things would have improved.  Who knows?.  He doesn’t get a pass but I did everything based on my vision of a wife.  Child care-all me.  Housework-all me.  Work full time, me.  When the hell did I sleep?  He worked long hours too but there was never any notice of how tired I might be and no helping hand offered.  Home was my job and I did my best to keep up.  He should have married Donna Reed!  OK.  Rant done.  But my point is that I’m so much happier without all of that burden.

So do I want to marry again? Right now, I think “no”.  For a few reasons.  First, after 30 years of marriage-done-wrong, I’m not sure how to do it right.  Second, I’m loving the freedom.  Third, there’s a tiny corner of my heart that still mourns and so far, that’s not going away or lessening, making no room for someone new. It’s not that I miss him, just that maybe he was “the one and only”.  I’ve always heard that some people only love one person.  Is that me?  Not sure.  I invested every fiber of my being in that marriage and maybe there’s nothing left.  I’m happily expanding my girlfriend time, eating out, going places.  I would like to add travel to that picture but so far work intrudes on that plan, but maybe in the near future.  If my health was better I’d go by myself and may do some exploring alone anyway.  You know, those senior bus trips!  But I guess time will tell.

It’s been nice sharing this time with you but I need to be out and about, running errands, meeting friends for coffee, and just enjoying freedom.  We’ll talk again soon.

Shelley

Snowy Day Musings

Standard

blog pic snow day

Isn’t this a perfect day to have a cup of tea and curl up on the sofa with a book?  I think so. In the picture is the last blanket that my mother crocheted for me and I treasure it.  Anyway, it’s great to wrap up in it on the couch and read.  So I took a break from my lounging and Facebook viewing, and Pinterest, to do some writing.

I recently got some news about the ex-husband, good news for him of course, but sad and somewhat depressing for me. I’m not going in to any details but I will say that once again I have to bounce back, “get over it”, and move forward.  So how do I do this?

First, I always give myself permission to cry, get angry, or whatever emotion is welling up inside. I’ve found that holding it back causes my heart to swell, my head to hurt from holding back tears, and there is a hollow feeling in my belly.  Not good.  So I go with it.  And get it all out so I can move past it.  Of course, not indefinitely, but long enough that the pain begins to fade.  I give myself permission to mourn.  And then I work at putting it out of my mind.

Of course this isn’t easy but I take it one day at a time, and usually am able to diminish the effect over time. You see, my head knows that I’m better and happier now; it’s just my foolish heart that still dreams about old love.  (Because we did have many good times.)

Anyway, forward I go. Another strategy that I’ve added is to be grateful every day, to stay positive, to laugh, and to stay busy.  All of this helps.  Time spent alone and brooding is not the way to get back to the “happy place” in my head.

I also have done some reading such as “The Law of Attraction”, “The Secret”, among others, and I try to be mindful of what I’m attracting to myself with my thoughts. Even if you don’t believe in this theory, I figure it can’t hurt.

The last and best thing that helps is talking to my son and playing with my grandson, who is very demanding about MeMa’s story telling. It’s hard to stay sad while he and I are hanging out in the bathroom while he sits on the toilet and I have to tell the story about the hippos lining up to go potty in the jungle, where there is only one toilet….don’t ask for more details, please! He loves for me to make up stories and sometimes the well is pretty dry!  This little boy keeps me happy.  He loves to come in my room and climb on my bed, will still occasionally fall asleep in my arms, and tells me regularly “that’s not fair MeMa!”, something I have thought many times about the ex’s latest escapade as well as some others.

Anyway, the pendulum is swinging back up; I’m getting over it, and life will be fine again soon.

So now, back to my snow watching, as it hasn’t stopped yet, Facebook and Pinterest, and reading my book.  Hope your day is as good as mine!

Things Are Looking Up!

Standard
Things Are Looking Up!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything so I thought I would post an update so you can see how things have been going for me. Pour your tea and get comfortable cause I think this may be a long one!

First, I’ve left my 12 hour work days behind. In October, I made a job change that had been in the works for a while and though I still have a somewhat long commute, I’m home by 6:30 and have time to actually do something besides work.  The surprising thing about the change was how sad I was to leave the other job and the friends I had made there.  My co-workers, Lynn, Victor, Brandy, Jamie, Denieka, and my replacement Barbara are what made the long days and commute bearable.  And what I realized is that they were really going to miss me too, the “me” I became after the divorce.  I never knew how much I had changed during the marriage, and how consumed I was trying to do everything right, for the wrong man-it changed me a lot.  So I became my true self again and people like that person better!  Very eye opening.  So it was with tears and sadness that I left but I’ll be seeing them all again on December  12th and am totally looking forward to it.  I still miss them. (Update:  We got together and had a great time.  It was wonderful to see everyone.)

About two months ago, my dear friend Victor brought me a wonderful gift-from Peru, his family home. He had sent money to his mother, a jewelry maker also, and asked her to pick out some beads for me at the market and a few weeks ago, the beads arrived via a family member who traveled to the United States, and Victor presented them to me.  So he has revived my interest in making jewelry only this time I will be making prayer beads and Yoga beads, starting over with a new business name.  Of course, I’ll post news about it when it’s ready!  I’m doing research because every religion has different representations and I want to be sure to incorporate these into the beads.

I received some good news! My one year follow up to the biopsy was negative!  I’m so grateful.  It was a terrible scare last year and so many women go through it, and men, and I’m just so glad that it all was clear.  So please ladies, get those mammograms done regularly.  And men should be checked also.  You may not know that men can get breast cancer but they can.

I’ve joined the local gym recently and will be using the pool and work-out room as often as I can get my lazy self over there. I plan on lifting weights, swimming, walking on the treadmill, and cycling.  I recently created a pin on Pinterest called Beautiful Aging and it’s amazing to see how many women age 60 and above look fantastic and healthy.  I’ve been eating very low carb for a while and have lost about 25 pounds, from a tight size 18 to borderline 14, which is a good size for me, not thin but not fat.  That way I can eat pizza or a cheesesteak once in a while!  Anyway, can you say STRONG, HEALTHY WOMAN?!

Another project I’m involved in is going to be called “Shelley’s Closet”, a Facebook store that will feature new and used clothing for women and men, kid stuff, books, and household items. It will mostly be local pickup and delivery (of course at a safe location) with maybe some shipping.  We’ll see.  Anyway, my girlfriend Kathy and I love to go to yard sales and thrift shops, hunting for those hidden treasures, and it’s amazing what people donate and sell.  There are tons of FB groups for selling items so I’m taking my chance at doing this too.  My ultimate goal of course is to create several sources of income, doing things that I like, and ease into working part time, and then retirement.  Well, maybe retirement.  I really can’t see not having a job or something to do every day and I like to be busy, plus having the interaction with different people is a plus, but I think I would just like it to be a bit more casual than now.

Before I go I have to tell you about online dating. I actually dislike it but where I live, there isn’t any place to go to meet anyone, really, and I decided to give it a try.  I’m on two sites and had to create a profile and then post pictures, and then get up the nerve to actually write to someone.  After being married for 30+ years, it was very hard for me to make the transition to seeing myself as single.  I felt like I was “cheating” for the longest time and had trouble even talking to anyone.  Very shy.  Horrors! It was like being a teenager again!  But I stuck with it and have been dating a bit.  In fact, I met a guy right away, first day online, and we went out several times and had a good time but didn’t “click” so eventually just sort of drifted into neverland.  There are a lot of fake profiles on the sites and if you’re paying attention, you can recognize them because they all sort of are the same, so I never give out my phone number or email until I’m sure I’m talking to a real person.  And even then, I’m kind of slow to give it out.  I have met some nice men but part of me wonders if I’ll ever meet someone special because none of them were “the one”!  I did meet two guys who had good possibilities but one bailed when he really understood about the cane and my physical limitations and the other lived pretty far and decided to look for someone closer. It’s funny too that the best looking guys, and the most interesting profiles, are too far away to be practical to meet.  Figures.  And a lot of guys in their 60’s are looking for younger women and 66 is way too old for them.  I think they don’t know what they’re missing but it’s their loss.  I’m happy being single and not sure it will be something I need to change.  We’ll see.

Before I close, I would like to say that starting over late in life isn’t easy. If any of you are faced with this, you’ll get through it as I did, and still am.  I started the blog, in part, to share what I’ve learned about this process and if my experiences have helped anyone at all, I’m happy.  I thought I would never get over my husband choosing to leave, but I did.  I see him occasionally and I always make sure I strut my stuff when he’s around so he can see what he’s missing but seriously, I have come a very long way and have survived.  You will too.  The important thing to remember is to love yourself, do what makes you feel good, and take care of yourself.  Surround yourself with support people, and again I have to thank my son for being there for me, laugh with your grandchildren, stay busy, make changes when you’re ready, and stay positive.

So friends, it was good to talk to you again. I’m filled with gratitude that you’re in my life.  The teapot is empty now so until next time, have a wonderful, family-and-friend-filled Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas, yes I said it!, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year.  It’s going to be a great year, 2016!!

Love, Shelley

 

Catching you Up!

Standard

A lot has gone on since my last posting so I’m going to make some tea and then briefly tell you about it.

Ready?…….OK.

First would be work.  I have three jobs necessitated by the full time one paying so little.  The good news, I guess, is that I work four 10-hour days, leaving me time to work somewhere else in the off time.  I have four more years before I can collect my maximum Social Security so I’m using the time to get out of debt, put money aside, and mostly keep up with my living expenses.  Thus, one full time and two part time jobs.  It tends to suck the life out of me, working like this, and I have to add two hours of travel daily to those 10 hours.  I get home by 9:00 PM and want to do nothing. Just veg.

Summer 2015...Life is Good!

Summer 2015…Life is Good!

My retirement plan definitely did not include divorce but I’ve managed to stay financially afloat, with the help of my son.  We’re getting ready to have a huge yard sale so I can finally get rid of a lot of crap that has been hanging around for many years.  When I’m done, I hope to see only necessities, which will of course include books, craft supplies, and more books!

Next, my husband filed for divorce and I just opened the notice today.  I’ve been carrying it around unopened for about a month; couldn’t open it.  Sad, scared, angry….you name it, I feel it, or felt it.  It came about a month before our 35th anniversary, which just passed. But the good news is that I’m OK, pretty much.  I’ll be honest and tell you that there was a brief pain in my heart.  After all, I’ve known the man since I was 21.  But, time has dulled the ache, the tears are mostly over, and I’m fine without him.  Cheers for me!!  Let the “other woman” deal with his habits now, cause he hasn’t changed and is doing his usual, out running around all the time.  So, I’m free and happy to be!

I’ve also been exploring online dating, not my favorite thing, but when all I do is work, how else would I meet someone?  I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for, meaning do I ever want to marry again?  I guess I’ll see how it goes and who does the asking.  The funny thing is that the guys look so old to me, but who am I kidding?  I’m the same age!!  I’ve met some nice but dull guys, written to a bunch, had a lot of phishing since my age group is targeted as old, desperate, and stupid, (do I want to send them money for whatever scheme they have in mind? HA!) and surprisingly have had a lot of really young guys wanting me to fulfill their sexual fantasies of young guy-older woman.  Dare I say Mrs. Robinson?  But I look at my 65 year old self and say NAH to that.  Really not interested.  I recently had a guy start writing to me and after several weeks of messages that sounded really promising, he decided that I live too far and called it off before we met in person.  This was the first time I saw any possibilities but in typical guy fashion, he would have just disappeared with no notice but I called him on it and at least got a message saying “not going to work”.  But, did I tell you that my sister met a great guy online, after several years of looking, and just set the wedding date!  Happy for her.

The next step will be changing jobs to one that pays better so I can work less, join the local Y and begin working out and swimming, save for a cruise to Italy (God knows when I’ll have saved enough for that!) and move onward and upward.  Since I have to work four more years until I’m 70, I want to get the most out of it.  Starting over has been hard, but not impossible, and I’m proud of myself for staying the course.  I’ve gone through a lot since 2008 and will surely go through more, but I’m up for the challenge.

Until next time!

Shelley

I Miss You Rocky

Standard

CAM00108Rocky is, was, my little Yorkie.  He was a friend who stood by me at all times, a protector.  He was there when my husband left, he was the first thing I did for me with no regard for my husband.  I got him for me.  And when my husband left, Rocky was my boy!  He was such good company, a real cuddle-bug, so cute. A great watch dog too. And now he’s gone.  I’m still trying to take it in, expecting to see him in his little bed when I get home from work, ears perked up because he hears me coming.  I tried but couldn’t write this sooner; it happened about a month ago.  Here’s the story.CAM00078

Rocky had horrible breath at times so I bought him a bag of those teeth cleaning bones, a brand that is sold in many stores but not the most popular.  I gave him one about 3:00 on Sunday and by 8:00AM Monday he was dead.  I’m not saying the bone killed him but here’s what happened.  imagejpeg_0(7)

He ate the bone and about an hour or two later, threw up.  It was a white liquid, like the bone, and a piece that he hadn’t chewed.  He was fine, playing, running around, so I took him outside for a while, on his leash.  I tried to keep a good eye on him outside because he seemed to eat anything, even a rock one time, and I didn’t want him to eat anything bad for him.  But we were in the grass and as vigilant as I was, I can’t swear he didn’t ingest something.  Anyway, around 10:00 I got into bed and as I always do, lifted him up to lay down with me, which he did for a minute but then leaped off the bed.  He did his usual for a while and then heard my son, but didn’t chase him as he usually does.  Clue number 1.  I also thought, when I lifted him up that one of his legs seemed funny but he ran around on the bed and then jumped off, all normal.  Clue number 2?  In the middle of the night, I got up for the bathroom and he stayed in his bed as he usually did but sometime before I drifted back off, I heard him throw up again.  Clue number 3.  My thought was that I would clean it up in the morning because if I got up, then I wouldn’t go back to sleep.  I got up at 6:30 and my baby was lying in his bed, limp, tongue hanging out.  I missed all the clues that seemed so insignificant at the time and missed the chance to possibly save him.

I freaked.  “Rocky, Rocky”, I called to him.  I felt his side and he was limp and I thought not breathing but he heard my voice and rallied.  I froze and then my son got up and came in my room and couldn’t believe what he saw.  I wrapped Rocky in a towel and picked him up while my son made some calls.  I laid Rocky on the bed and started to get dressed though I knew it was too late to help him.  I could just tell.  I was going to race down the road to the vet but then he convulsed and died in my arms.  I still can’t believe it.  I just sat and held him, numb.  Everyone left for work and I laid him out in his bed, with his pillow and blanket, his favorite toy, dressed in his hoodie.  We were going to bury him that night so I made sure he was safe, and then had to go to work myself, crying all the way.  I felt like it was my fault for buying those stupid bones.  So what if he had yuk breath!

All night, when I could have gotten some help, that poor baby was dying.  I don’t know if he ate something outside or if it was the dental bone.  When I walked him in the dark he could have eaten something that I couldn’t see but for me, my guilt is the same no matter what it was.  CAM00147

So my little companion, my little fur baby, is gone.  The grief that I felt, and feel, is way more than I would have thought.  I’ve never been a “dog person” but this little boy got into my heart and meant a lot to me.  The depth of my grief is surprising to me but he was in my life through the whole separation.  He even bit my ex one time and I secretly cheered. (It was only biting his Carharts so it didn’t hurt!)  He’s buried under the tree out front and I find myself standing at the window sometimes, just looking at the spot, trying to understand what happened.  Though I really can’t.  I still have all of his things in my room, clothes, bowls, crate, bed.  I’ll get around to packing it up, sometime. I told my grandson that Rocky’s mommy was crying because she missed him so he went to visit her.  He’s only two so believes that.  I still come in the door like he’s going to be there, but, well, you know……he’s not.                           CAM00145

I miss the hell out of you Rocky.  Rest in peace little boy.

Me and my Boy!

Me and my Boy!