Tag Archives: being single

Goodbye to My Husband

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While sitting here thinking, reminiscing about the past, the thought comes into my head that I need to say goodbye to my husband. We have been living apart for a year now, though separated for several years before that, me not moving out because of expense and him not moving, I guess, because he wanted me to. But anyway, we stayed in the home and he did what he wanted while I tried to show him that we were worth a second chance while also trying to find a job and accumulate as much money as I could. Our history goes back 40 years; who would have thought we would end up apart? So here’s the story.

I first met him at about age 21 while at my girlfriend’s house. Her husband brought him home for dinner and I happened to be there. It was “something” at first sight, not sure what, but he had just broken up with someone and had a baby so I wouldn’t get involved even though he chased the hell out of me until we finally went our separate ways. Several years later, about age 28, that same husband of the same girlfriend ran into him and brought him home to surprise me. It was a shock but it also was immediately like cupid’s arrow had hit me in the heart. All of the old feelings rushed back; he was alone and I was alone and within a few days, he proposed and moved into my apartment.

The first year was wonderful. We set the date for our wedding and spent every hour together that we could. He had a business and a lot of my off-work time was spent there, bringing hot meals and hanging out, keeping him company after hours. It was wonderful. And then I got pregnant. Unexpected, unplanned, but we were happy about it and moved up our wedding date. However, little cracks began to form between us. I worked full time in retail, on my feet all day, tired all the time, a little crabby, things not quite right between us, but still good. We thought it was the stress, the baby, the wedding, too much work, etc.

So, we married one weekend and then went right back to work, no honeymoon, saving money for baby, who was born right before Christmas. A beautiful, healthy baby boy. My husband was so proud. He had a son. But he was also a truck driver. So the first year of marriage, the first year of parenthood, he was away a lot, and I was too nervous as a new mother to go in the truck with him and we started to grow apart. And little by little, we grew further apart. I developed horrible PMS, he was diagnosed with PTSD (Viet Nam Veteran and a Marine) and chasms began opening up. A lot of detail isn’t necessary here but suffice it to say, we argued a lot. Being a Marine was a part of who my husband was, and is, and I didn’t have a clue what that meant so that made the struggles even harder. There is a lot of personal information that I will not write about but history plays a huge role here and understanding came too late.

So, I met him when I was about 21 and now I’m 64. I often think that getting together the first time we met would have given us more time to become better friends, to grow together, to learn each other, and to have a better chance of making it, but it wasn’t to be. And a few years ago, he told me that he didn’t want to be married anymore, he still loves me, but he isn’t good at relationships, etc., etc. And, of course there was another woman encouraging him to do what will make him happy, why stay when he isn’t happy, etc., etc. You know. So a little over a year ago, he moved out while I was in the hospital and here we are. Since my son and his family live with me, I see my husband regularly and it has taken me a long time to be able to deal with that. But guess what?

I now realize that I am better off without him, should have left one of the many times I thought about it, and am finally much happier than I was for a long time. It was very wearing to always be trying to prove I was a good wife, to always be putting him first, to always champion his causes, to try to understand what was going on, and to deal with a marriage that was not how I wanted it but feeling powerless to change it. I feel free; I feel happy. And when I see him now, I still think he looks good but I’ve worked very hard to not care and to not long for him. I even got a tattoo to symbolize my broken heart, thinking that the pain of the needle would somehow lessen my heart pain, but of course, it didn’t. Sure, I still have sad moments, like today which is why I’m writing this, but also I can be happy without him. Now he is the other woman’s problem and just maybe she is a better fit for him. He wore me out and I’m glad to be done.

My spirit is lighter and I have come to realize just how much that marriage dragged me down and influenced choices I made. It feels good to do what I want, when I want, and not be responsible for taking care of someone else. Would I like another relationship? Maybe. But it would have to be really special before I would invite that person all the way into my life again. For now, sleeping alone in my own bed is fine, with just Rocky for company and my little family in the other rooms.

Yup, I’m happy. Hard earned but true. Goodbye Bill.

My Little Dog, Rocky

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Allow me to introduce myself... and Rocky too   Have you poured your tea yet?  No?  Well, go ahead and I’ll wait for you.  I’ll keep reading until you’re ready.  OK.  Here goes:

I have a dog.  After much deliberation and knowing that I’m terrible at training and housebreaking dogs, I decided to get a Yorkie puppy.  I’d been researching them online and checking sites that sold them and was pretty sure that I’d never find one that I could afford, but one day I ended up on Ebay Classifieds in the pet section and there he was.  A 4 lb. little cutie with a crate, pen, clothes, and food and he lived pretty close to me.  And, he was affordable!  After some texting back and forth, I met the woman and she put him in my arms, and I knew he’d be mine.  She brought his papers and shot records and we traded dog for money and the deal was done!

I know now that I was very lucky that he was healthy and that I didn’t get ripped off, so thank goodness!  But he is so cute!  It’s like having your teddy bear come to life and always be ready to cuddle.  I named him Rocky and he’s a great little dog.  I got him when I was going through the separation with my husband and Rocky was a great comfort.  Yorkies are wonderful little dogs, full of energy, and make great watchdogs.  Rocky can hear everything and even knows when the people across the street get home! He’s very protective of me and I think he would hurt someone if they tried to hurt me.  He loves to play with toys and will fetch for hours, and is always eager to get into the car and go for a ride.  I found one of those pet seats at Goodwill and he can sit up high enough to look out of the window.

I’ve been sort of successful at housebreaking him.  He’ll use a pad inside but tries to wait and go outside, though my erratic work schedule does hinder his success at times. And he may pee next to the pad, sometimes on the pad, but at least he’s near the pad!

Yorkies are in need of daily brushing so I like to keep him clipped short in a “puppy cut”.  It cuts down on  grooming time and he stays cleaner that way.  He needs regular baths too because to my surprise, he gets pretty stinky, pretty quickly.  And, of course, he hates baths.

Having Rocky is good for my mental health, which fluctuates, but also for my physical health.  Since I’ve started walking with a cane, it has been harder to get around and he keeps me moving.  I hate that my body can’t do what it used to and I’ve learned that I have to use it or lose it so walking him every day keeps my joints flexible and muscles somewhat toned.  It also helps him to burn off some energy!  I talk to him and he usually listens.  In fact, he’s sitting on my lap right now, helping me type.  And he loves to sit on my lap while I drink my tea and read, so it works out great for both of us.  He’s able to jump up on the bed and sleeps on the outside and growls if anyone comes down the hall.  He hogs the blankets and would probably get under them if I would let him.  Too hot for that!  Phew!!!

Buying Rocky was something I agonized over because of the cost but I realized that I needed to do something for me, something that would make me happy.  My life was going through so many changes and I was so depressed, and Rocky just made me feel good…so I did it, and enough said about that.  I’m glad I did it and it was one of the first decisions I made on my own as  a newly “single” woman.  He always barks at my ex so I know he’ s a smart dog. (Haha)

Well, I guess you’ve finished your tea.  I have, so until next time…Bye.  See you soon.